ON ACCEPTING THE FRENCH IDEA OF GENIUS:

I always thought that Criss/Cris/Chris/whatever Angel was an annoying fuckwit. Then again I'm not very hip to the magicians (illusionists...whatever); they remind me of LARPers and they are always cheezy (with a z). So, I'm not often, um, "mindfreaked" by any of them. Criss Angel in particular, with his oh-so-subtle mix of hot topic/cinnabun worker/gothtard and what I suspect is the sharp scent of nerd-smugness (after a lifetime of doing card tricks in his stepmom's basement alone while masturbating to pictures of David Copperfield and Claudia Schiffer he's finally pullin some tail of his own), stirs up a pretty intense mockery/ridicule impulse in me (also, he looks like he doesn't wash much). So, color me shocked when Chriss Angel DID IN FACT FREAK MY MIND! How, you may ask?
This:

"Christopher Nicholas Sarantakos (born December 19, 1967), better known by his stage name Criss Angel"

WHAT THE HELL?? Criss Angel is 42 years old! 42!
And he looks like this:
Now, I know the reason for all the stage makeup and Jared Letoesque (Jared Motherfucking Leto [eyeroll]) eyeliner.

Here are some theories I'm tossing around.
1. He really is magical and has made a pact with a demon--he can remain young forever, as long as he also agrees to be the biggest cheesedick in North America (asking someone to be the biggest cheesedick in the world is a lot...I'm looking at you Norweigians).
2. He wears an obscene amount of greasepaint and pancake makeup to cover the fact that beneath it all he is actually...wait for it...mummified Ralph Macchio...duh, dun dun.
3. There are literally bizillions of Criss Angels, like in that movie the Prestige. Somewhere David Bowie invented a machine to "teleport" and but in reality it only creates clones of that person in order to make it look as if they were transported from A to B. In order to keep the world from being overrun with cheezedickery, in a eerily lit lair beneath Las Vegas there are innumerable tubes of dead Criss Angels. Also, somewhere in his secret Bowie vaults, David Bowie is at this moment admiring one of his many dead clones...I agree...gorgeous, Mr. Bowie...gorgeous!
4. This seemingly remarkable anti-aging thing is a direct result of having lived in his stepmom's basement for 20 years, without seeing the light of day. What a remarkable piece of evidence that the suns rays are damaging. Since he moved directly from basement to darkened casino and (I suspect) darkened corny magician castle; he's essentially lived a UV free life.
5. His eyeliner is actually a mixture of potent age reversing herbs and plant extracts...and he refuses to share this mixture with anyone (especially Jared Motherfucking-haggard-ass-looking Leto).
6. The undead Kristen Nöel "Kristy" Swanson was born December 19, 1969. Also born in December during the late 60s--Lucy Liu, Brendon Fraser, Sinead O'Connor, Carla Bruni and Dexter Holland. Perhaps, there was some strange cosmic debris which changed their biological structure in utero? Well, the rest of them...really, because we all know there is no way undead Kristy Swanson was born in 1969...1669 maybe. She creeps the hell out of me.

Well, those are my theories. Congratulations, Mr. Criss Angel, you have, for once impressed me with your magic. (Of course it was accidental, so congratulations withdrawn).

P.S. Don't quit your day job...at Cinnabun!

Why is that movie almost 3 hours of my life that I'll never get back? Was this REALLY nominated for an academy award? It was horrible. HORRIBLE! I HATED IT LIKE I HATED THE NOTEBOOK. No, the Notebook was better because it had James Garner in it, and I love that man. This. Well, the Benjamin Button was not my thing, no, sir, not...my...thing. Why do I even try to watch these tearjerker things? I guess I should have known. But I had hopes, because I know the F.Scott Fitzgerald story it's based off of (I read it years ago in "Tales of the Jazz Age," a perfectly dull collection, except there was a story about a mountain that I liked. ); as it turns out there is little connection between the story and the film except for the idea of aging backwards, which is not a very clever idea since the ancient britons had it first.

EH. Plus if they wanted Brad Pitt to look younger they should have stolen footage from Thelma and Louise, instead of CGI-ing him into some sort of mechanical looking man thing. The only thing I did like about this film--my girlfriend Tilde Swinton was in it. And she's lovely. (Although in the movie she is described as plain...how can a 6 foot tall, willowy, odd looking woman be "plain?")

There's not much I could do in one minute.
Maybe find out if I really do have an FBI file as a result of my reading habits...that would be interesting.