ON ACCEPTING THE FRENCH IDEA OF GENIUS:

Okay, who knew spiders could construct elaborate hot air ballons out of their bodies and fly through the air? Okay, yes, I saw charlotte's web too, bitches, but this was NO baby spider! This was one of those large assed, orangey striped spiders (a tabby cat of a spider, a meow mix eating Morris of a spider) and it was flying through the air towards me...towards me!! And get this...it was attempting to catch a fly mid air and eat it. (I just had the worst involuntary shudder just then, maybe I shouldn't talk about this?) So, airborne spider special forces attack goes by me in the driveway, my response..."WHAT IS THAT? WHAT IS THAT? OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?" at the top of my lungs as it drifts only 3 feet from me. Then, I freeze,and Roy walks out of the house as I am frozen (literally) big-eyed and pale beside the car. (P.S. if the spider had gotten any closer to me I may have died of cat sized flying spider induced heart attack!) Roy looks at me funny, scans the driveway and says "What's wrong?" in this really strange way that makes me think that I probebly look like a psychopath or Haley Jo Osmont in 6th Sense, I just shake my head no and start wobbling. So he runs over and I can't make words to explain the cat/spider/hotair balloon creature who had invaded my space, finally I get it out and he says "Nuh, uh." My response: "How am I gonna make that up?"

What interests me is that I am the witness to so many spider lives. We have decided that spiders are not, as I believe, drawn to the smell of my fear, but that I am just more aware of their presence. (PS later last night, tiny spider on the toilet paper!!! TOILET PAPER! That goes near my junks, and I DO NOT want no spider, no matter how tiny up near my biddness...dang.) But I am starting to disagree, I am, it seems, under attack...that's my theory.

Okay, time passes, Mandie calms down from surreal spider situation and is driving Roy's sweet ride to Hardings (Jewel-Osco for you old school dorks), as I am stopping at the light on the corner of Vine and Westnedge, a truck makes a left from vine to Westnedge in front of me, and a huge (10 feet at least) circular wooden sign pops out of the back of his pickup, bounces twice, and rolls like a quarter towards me. I do the only thing I can do while trapped in stopped traffic, I close my eyes and wait for the damned thing to run me over. So, I wait like 10 seconds, open my eyes, and it has rolled right past me (hoo-roar!) and is doing the big quarter thing where it rolls on it's edge for a while before flopping down about 8 feet behind me. Close call bitches, and how do you tell your insurance company that you were crushed by a giant quarter? I mean, without them laughing?

Less bizzare stuff: the laundry is done so I am wearing honest-to-goodness underpants instead of biker shorts posing as underpants. Sweet. Underpants! The bridal shower invites have been sent out (don't go running to ya'll's mailboxes you ain't invited). Family fight of the week, my Aunt Mary is gonna be two toes short of a full shoe when I get done with her (more on that later...goddamn old bar whore tries to act all class when really she's all ass). Trip to save a lot this afternoon (any taker's rabbit...I mean ima goin anyways?), to get fud. My glasses are in at Sam's so I should get those sometime. Demolition Derby on Saturdayday...cowboy up! And after work today I have some physical therapy on my hand.

Okay. So, since you are all brilliant please send idears, here is the plan as of today.

SLEEPOVER CAMP (if you haven't seen this movie you are lame, if you have you are lamer) LIVING ROOM:
1. The tent is going up. (An added bonus, somebody/bodies can sleep in it later on ...a portable guest room)
2. The x-mas tree, sans lights and decorations, is a going up.
3. Am draping couches with red and black flannel.
4. I don't think I need to say "lots of body parts" but I will.
5. A few tree branches here and there. Maybe some fake shrubs, flowers? (dead of course).
6. I am thinking about how to make a faux campfire/fireplace somewhere in the room...I am at a loss, but feel it would be an excellent addition to the theme.
7. Camping props: flashlights, canteens, sleeping bags, bedrolls, an axe (duh), lanterns, hiking boots, backpacks, birds (those gross ones I have...ewh), maybe the werewolf (although he is working against the scene really...but wolf...that's outside-ish).
8. What if I threaded some smaller branches through/around the light fixture in the middle of the ceiling? That might cast some cool shadows around the room.

Any other strange/wonderful things ya'll can suggest?

The themes for the other rooms are as follows:
Dining room: either a continuation of the camp/slaughter theme or...Miss Havisham's wedding.
Kitchen: Dr. Frankenstein's Laboratory (I think I need to make a Frankenstein's monster for this!)
Office: Make out room/Sin den
Bathroom: draped in plastic sheeting, blood everywhere

Always open for suggestions on those rooms too.

1. It is built on part of the pioneer cemetery, the park is part of it too.
2. My landlady, crazy Jane, who lived in my apartment for like 8 years had it exorcised. (I shit you not, exorcised!!!)
3. The first night I moved in the downstairs neighbors (the world's grossest 20 year old boys) said that they would never take our apartment because it was haunted and people saw things there all the time. (They also thought that milk would be okay stored on a counter...so, I could take or leave their opinions.)
4. Ghost cat?!!
5. Jane sz the ghost, emma, opens the cupboards, and everytime she comes over Jane says "Hi Emma!"
6. Sometimes things fall for no reason.
7. Once somebody pulled the covers off of me.
8. Jane sd the ghost threw a spoon at her once.
9. Jane's cootch may be haunted as well, because it jumped out at Vic once...tell em vic!
10. I got nothing else, but I like round numbers.

Okay, Not skert anymores.

I totally saw something last night...i think. or I was tired, but when I was in the bathroom brushing my teefs someone totally walked through the kitchen, and I thought it was roy and I said "what are you doing up?", but roy was in bed. ARGH!!!! I got scared and ran into the bed and jumped on roy and he said "Ouch!" and I said..."Sorry, I got skert by something." And he said, "Awww." and then squoze me very tight and said "I ain't gonna let nothing get you." And I said "Yeah right, you would totally throw me to ghosts and stuff." Then he said "Stop wiggling so much. There's nothing scary, go to sleep." So, I bit him, because that was mean of him. But now, no roy, jus mandie and bruce, and bruce is less tough than me. So...I will probebly be scared tonight, because despite my macho demeanor, I am kind of a puss when I'm alone. Plus, I'm really bad at sleeping by myself...hillbillies tend to sleep in piles of people or dogs or both, it's what I'm used to. So, if you are awake later think some good thoughts my way, because despite my totally not believing in ghosts really, I gets skert anyways. But, I didn't get skert at ghost cat...hmm.

(Later tonight Mandie will be lying very still and not moving, so that ghosts cannot see her.)

I probebly should NOT watch the Fear Friday movies on AMC tonight...nope, probebly not. (All I OWN IS HORROR MOVIES...WHY???!!! dammit.) Maybe I'll just drink a lot until I fall asleep, ghosts can't get you if you're drunk can they?