ON ACCEPTING THE FRENCH IDEA OF GENIUS:

How cute is this guy? Do you see him? He didn't hide very well. As I exited my jeep, groceries in hand I was all..."Well, hello! How are you doing Mr. Snake? I trust you are keeping my yard free from creepy crawlies. If so, carry on, and keep up the good work. I'll remind people not to poke at you, and to keep Bruce away. What sort of snake are you?"

So I went down my mental snake list: no rattle (check), no markings for other poisonous snakes (check), basic brown stripey snake (check), too small to be a threat (check)...fine by me. It's a garter snake, of course, although a fairly big one in my experience. He's about 2 feet long, and that's on the "damn" end of the spectrum for a garter snake. The ones I've seen/stepped on in the past have been around 1/2 foot shorter. So, I'll keep him. At the very least he's some evidence that there aren't many (if any) really big guys hanging around outside. He is hanging out underneath the azaleas in a prime snake-smorgasbord location: birds hang out there, so do lizards and skinks. There are plenty of bugs scrambling through the underbrush as well. My bet is he's munchin on skinks...I would. And I'm very happy that he's selected an out of the way place to be. He's not IN my garden, or near a Bruce stomping ground. What a very repsectful snake. I suspect that he's probebly been dislocated by some recent tree and brush removal in the neighbor's yard. Poor little fella.

I swear my yard is like the mutual of omaha wild kingdom, or it's like that microcosmos movie.

Some other things I witness quite frequently:
-birds of all kinds including some fancy magnolia warblers, piliated woodpeckers and some sort of parrot thing
-squirrel invasions
-cicadias
-crazy giant beetles of allsorts
-skinks
-lizards
-praying manti (-isi? -ses?)
-butterflies and moths
-nightmarish worms (seriously, some hammerheaded predator worms that look like tiny snakes)
-roaches of allsorts
-centipedes and millipedes (huge!)
-bees and wasps of all varieties
-random dogs and cats
-bats

Things others have seen, but I have not:
-a deer
-a rabbit or two
-a fox thing

Things up the road:
-horses...goddamn horses, always with the goddamn horses!



If I had a chicken would the snake try to eat it? Hmm...I want a chicken.

If the video doesn't imbed (seems to be having an on and off issue today) here's the link: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1215240/James-Dean-lives-New-Allan-Gray-advert-gives-original-rebel-cause.html
(totally worth a look)


My first reaction: offended. As an eternal fan of James Dean, I am a bit miffed to see him raised from the dead to help garner recognition for a South African Investment firm.
My second reaction: my heart is breaking.

"Given more time, imagine the possibilities."

For fuck's sake. One of the last things I needed to see/hear today, as I'm sitting in my freezing cold office (it's hot outside, so the AC is cranked through the roof here at school), within eyeshot of a stack of portfolios almost 2 feet deep...and nary a one graded. It is overcast. I am annoyed. I want to sleep. I have a billion things to complete this week. My brain is being pulled in all directions: home/school/work/obligations/fascinations. Given more time, imagine the possiblities.

In honor of my no-time-having self, my todo lists:

Today:
prep 101
teach 10am
teach 11am
create discussion board for 06/08 sections
post Stephen King essay to all sections
update and reorganize course docs on blackboard
post power point on word choice to all sections
waste time by bitching about todo lists on LJ
grade 10 portfolios
do dishes
clean kitchen
walk dog (park??)--didn't happen.
grocery store
make dinner
wash jeans/towels
fold jeans/towels-put away
submission list/database update
ready submissions for 5 contests (find checkbook?)
shower
breathe
grade blackboard postings TR
check email for student issues
I guess if I don't do them I move them forward?

Tomorrow:
submissions in mail
complete proposal(s) for App Studies Conference
10 portfolios
check email for student issues
prep 101
teach 1:40
teach 3:05
prep MWF
Ketner lecture 6 pm
watch Project Runway
ready chapbook submissons
sleep

Friday:
Proposal(s) due App Studies Conf
prep 101
teach 10
teach 11
Blackboard postings for weekend
15 portfolios??
chapbook submssions in mail
ready more mms subs for Sat mailing
Zombie conference proposal
make dinner
gather notes for monday ethos/logos/pathos workshop at 1

Sat:
submissions
portfolios
presskit for roy, upcoming writers/book fests

Sun:
submissions
portfolios

I WANT to do the following things, but believe I might be nuts:
update squeefinity (I have 5 updates, but need to work on them before I post them)
start on invites/todolists for halloween
figure out if there is a way to get away for R and I's anniversary
start narrowing down poems for SAMLA presentation
get some things out to some people
finish my draw-a-cup
record some Blood+
work on fixing that quilt
work on some poems
write a bit

Things I need: time, James Dean, a massage, and (right now) something to eat.

I always thought that Criss/Cris/Chris/whatever Angel was an annoying fuckwit. Then again I'm not very hip to the magicians (illusionists...whatever); they remind me of LARPers and they are always cheezy (with a z). So, I'm not often, um, "mindfreaked" by any of them. Criss Angel in particular, with his oh-so-subtle mix of hot topic/cinnabun worker/gothtard and what I suspect is the sharp scent of nerd-smugness (after a lifetime of doing card tricks in his stepmom's basement alone while masturbating to pictures of David Copperfield and Claudia Schiffer he's finally pullin some tail of his own), stirs up a pretty intense mockery/ridicule impulse in me (also, he looks like he doesn't wash much). So, color me shocked when Chriss Angel DID IN FACT FREAK MY MIND! How, you may ask?
This:

"Christopher Nicholas Sarantakos (born December 19, 1967), better known by his stage name Criss Angel"

WHAT THE HELL?? Criss Angel is 42 years old! 42!
And he looks like this:
Now, I know the reason for all the stage makeup and Jared Letoesque (Jared Motherfucking Leto [eyeroll]) eyeliner.

Here are some theories I'm tossing around.
1. He really is magical and has made a pact with a demon--he can remain young forever, as long as he also agrees to be the biggest cheesedick in North America (asking someone to be the biggest cheesedick in the world is a lot...I'm looking at you Norweigians).
2. He wears an obscene amount of greasepaint and pancake makeup to cover the fact that beneath it all he is actually...wait for it...mummified Ralph Macchio...duh, dun dun.
3. There are literally bizillions of Criss Angels, like in that movie the Prestige. Somewhere David Bowie invented a machine to "teleport" and but in reality it only creates clones of that person in order to make it look as if they were transported from A to B. In order to keep the world from being overrun with cheezedickery, in a eerily lit lair beneath Las Vegas there are innumerable tubes of dead Criss Angels. Also, somewhere in his secret Bowie vaults, David Bowie is at this moment admiring one of his many dead clones...I agree...gorgeous, Mr. Bowie...gorgeous!
4. This seemingly remarkable anti-aging thing is a direct result of having lived in his stepmom's basement for 20 years, without seeing the light of day. What a remarkable piece of evidence that the suns rays are damaging. Since he moved directly from basement to darkened casino and (I suspect) darkened corny magician castle; he's essentially lived a UV free life.
5. His eyeliner is actually a mixture of potent age reversing herbs and plant extracts...and he refuses to share this mixture with anyone (especially Jared Motherfucking-haggard-ass-looking Leto).
6. The undead Kristen Nöel "Kristy" Swanson was born December 19, 1969. Also born in December during the late 60s--Lucy Liu, Brendon Fraser, Sinead O'Connor, Carla Bruni and Dexter Holland. Perhaps, there was some strange cosmic debris which changed their biological structure in utero? Well, the rest of them...really, because we all know there is no way undead Kristy Swanson was born in 1969...1669 maybe. She creeps the hell out of me.

Well, those are my theories. Congratulations, Mr. Criss Angel, you have, for once impressed me with your magic. (Of course it was accidental, so congratulations withdrawn).

P.S. Don't quit your day job...at Cinnabun!

( Snipity Clippity, Clippin my mem. )

If there were cameras filming me right now they would have seen the following things this morning.

1. Me yelling at Andrew Zimmern on the TV
2. My doing a Shark Week dance in my tankini.
3. Me scowling out the window because it is overcast.
4. Me staring at facebook with big eyes.
5. Me reading vicki's booklist (awesome btw!)
6. Me having a rather serious talk with Bruce regarding the neighbor dogs.
7. Me standing in the kitchen in my tankini, eating pudding out of a ridiculously sized container with a huge spoon, and periodically spitting chocolate chips back in the bowl I'm eating from. I don't like the chips.
8. Me doing a tomato dance in the kitchen.
9. Me performing the daily ritual of "mad list scribbling!"
10. Me coming up with a #10 to post on lj because I like round numbers. (Eff you number 9...the the 8 you rode in on.)

I been gone. Now I am here, in sunny overcast and muggy (and suspicously pinesol scented) Aiken. Where have I been, you may ask? Well, I was in the magically cold land of Ohio...running up and down flights of magically annoying stairs with boxes of nostalgia. Translation: I were helpsin my momma with a garage sale while poppy was out of town. The garage sale was a rousing semi-success of sorts. Since the goal was to get rid of crap, we did just that. No one really made too much money, but people bought. People were happy and pleased (except for Grandma, who was "don't sell that!" and "I'll buy that" and "Don't just give things away"...she was unpleasant and old, but I did threaten to hit her cat with a rock...so, I'm unpleasant too); a few bucks were made, and the people at Volunteers of America had a lot of donations when it started to rain. Stupid rain. I had fun. I like big projects, and I like to visit my family. I miss them. Why I gotta be so far away?

Here are some highlights:

1. Held a brand new baby with brand new baby smell.
2. Got to visit my aunt and cousins in So. Ohio for a minute.
3. Nice long drives through mountains allow me to smile and think...and SING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS (p.s. thanks to vicki for spoiling me with tapes)
4. I only fell down the steps once (and possibly broke some little bone in my foot which still hurts), my brother only text messaged my sister to tell her that I fell, and only two people (bob and boyfriend) laughed uproariously when they found out.  Dicks!
5. I got punched in the boob by a toddler.
6. I got shoved off the bed by a toddler.
7. I scared the crap out of a toddler and laughed about it. (so did his momma)
8. I got new tires, despite not wanting new tires (thank yous to daddy)
9. I ate a lot of bad food (my family does not, it seems, share my craving for vegitables)
10. I got to see the Ohio State Fair from a distance on the day before it opened, and I whined...I WANT TO SEE THE BUTTER COW!
11. I read the second and third Twilight book, WHICH I STILL HATE because that is the most boring fucking vampire I have ever read about in my entire life of reading about vampires (which is significant given my reading tendencies). I hate Bella and think that she will be the cause of a lot of distorted views towards gender and sexuality among adolescents (goddamn is she boring)...but...but...(shhhhhh) but...I fucking love Jacob! Goddamn I love a werewolf no matter how bad the book, it seems! I don't even want to read the last one, because I KNOW what happens...even without spoilers I know what's going to happen. It's so obvious that the only character I like will become a pedophile...so you twilight geeks, I already know. I ALREADY KNOW.
12. I also read a really bad book called "Book of Shadows" (soooo badly written and stupid)  and a very good book called "Jesus Christ on the Road to Cana" by ...MOTHERFUCKING ANNE FUCKING RICE who can make the bible fucking hot! HOT! Anne Rice can make the Bible hot and Stephenie (ZOMG! who the fuck told her to spell her name like that says "mandie"...heh, I'm a dick...) Meyers can't even make a vampire hot. SIGNS OF THE APOCOLYPSE!!! Signs, my friends!
13. There are some things I am forgetting...forgive me.

So, I'm home now. Home to delicious tomato sandwiches, and my own pillow, and my very demanding dog who missed me so. And home to my Roy who is now screaming from the other room that I'm ignoring him...ah, home. Sticky, pinesol scented home.

(I feel like I've been asleep for a week and a half.)

TODO(ne):

1. Paid off my Jeep today, it is now officially mine. How long before it breaks down? I'll give it a month. (Please let it be something I can fix.)(Jesus is always breaking my things.)

2. Dropped off some work today. I hate errands. Also, I hate old white ladies (I said it!) who feel like it's okay bombard me with "facts" about how Obama is ruining the nation, blah, blah blah...in the post office line. AND if someone looks at you with a creased "you are a crazy person" face, and only responds with a "huh"-sneer. Why do you keep talking? Who does that? It must be nice to assume that everyone agrees with you. Here's what was assumed of me: 1) I'm a stay at home mom (she asked me if the kids were out of school yet), 2)I'm a republican (obviously...why? Am I putting out republican vibes, because if so, I am VERY upset), 3) I have never been anywhere (she keep telling me about states she had visited), 4) I am the type of person who would write a letter to CBS (or something) about how offensive it was for David Letterman to talk about Sarah Palin's daughter (fuck that! I wanna talk shit about Sarah Palin's daughter...I bet I could be WAAAAAY more offensive than boring David Letterman), 5) that I'm uneducated ("college isn't for everyone right? Well, no it's not, but it WAS for me.), 6) that I'm religous (I like your Jesus alright, but he can't help with a fastball...hahahah). What outward signifiers made her believe these things. Someone tell me, because I am super bothered that someone would assume these things. Of course when I pulled out in front of her she got a good look at my Obama sticker, so...nyah. Take that old white lady!

3. I built a trellis. Also, I got blackberry thorns all in me.

4. New idea: I should learn to wear shoes.

What's left? Stuff. And junk. Dishes mostly. Also I dunno.

Other gripes of the day:
1. Why can't I be a samurai? I would be really good at it. (Also, I love Akira Kurosawa...love...him.)
2. I'm not hungry, but I feel I should eat something.
3. What the hell, wisteria? Don't make me cut you!
4. If I miss my turn while I'm driving I find another way to turn around, often this means going out of my way...it is inconvenient, but ultimately my problem (I should have been paying attention). Why don't other people do this? Rather than inconvenience themselves they tend to BLOCK TWO LANES OF TRAFFIC ("Oh, shoot, I meant to take a left, not a right.") and inconvenience multiple people. BAH!
5. QVC or HSN...whatever...continued below.

---

QVC (or HSN) WTF? Part II (abridged):

Porcelain dolls are creepy...they are NEVER cute, precious, or "divine." And I now have proof that Marie Osmond is a racist. Thank you QVC (or HSN). Who BUYS THIS STUFF?? (This stuff: http://www.charismabrands.com/Marie_Osmond.aspx )

Also: CREEPLES!


I guess at least the doll doesn't have teeth?

QUESTION FOR Y'ALL: Why is it that when it comes to dolls the intentionally creepy is always beautiful, but the intentionaly beautiful is always creepy?

I think I have missed my calling, I think about this sometimes. I like smells. I can identify what you've put in a meal from the smell. I can smell rain and snow before they fall. I know what vodka smells like. Porcelain has a different smell when it's cold and when it's hot. All metals have their own smell. I can identify some flowers without looking, and I hate perfume because it is too noisy and it lies (eg. most "honeysuckle" perfume smells quite unlike honeysuckle and more like a strange jasmine based perfume my grandma wore in the 70s...the ONLY one I like is the Demeter version, because it smells like live, green, real honeysuckle not wilted and pressed blossoms soaking in alcohol). Did you know they call a person who works with perfume a "nose?" So, smells is the topic of the day.

Christopher Brosius worked for Demeter for years and has now established his own company, his website is: I Hate Perfume . I agree. I hate perfume too. Some of the scents he has listed sound amazing. I want to pilgrimage and sniff them. He also does custom scents. This is intriguing...there are smells I would like.

Because you love my lists (well, I tell myself you do), Amander's favorite smells: ( “listed )

Q: Can you help me file my taxes?

A: No. No, I cannot do that. No.

---

Why would anyone expect the GC to help them file their taxes? Why would anyone expect me to help them file their taxes? Am I missing something? Is there a logical leap that I'm just not seeing?

Now, mind you, I get a lot of weird questions. Actually, Rabbit and I were just discussing some of the odd daily questions I receive.

A list of my favorites:
1. Can I talk to X? (stranger variant: can I talk to (first name)? I can't remember their last name.)(Does X still work at Western?)
(A: I am not the operator. B: This university has around 30,000 students and quite a lot of faculty/staff. C:WHAT?) My answer: Hmmm. Well, let me see what I can find out for you. (Then, of course, I look up X and cheerfully give them the number.)

2. (more of a conversation)
Did you receive my application?
I'm sorry, I don't have that information. I can transfer you to Graduate Admissions and they should be able to help you.
Oh, Graduate Admissions just transferred me to you.
(WHAT??? OH, Admissions, how I loathe thee!) My response: Oh, I'm sorry they must have misunderstood your request, when I transfer you back tell them that you are interested in finding out the status of your graduate application, it's option one on the touch tone menu.

3. I'd like a master's degree. What degrees do you offer? (Who does this? WHAT???)
My answer: refer them to the website (which never works), ask them to narrow it down by saying, "We offer around 40 different master's programs, could you tell me what fields you are interested in?"

4. Can I get my degree online?
My answer: Not with us.

5. Can I use the printer in the College of Arts and Sciences?
My answer: Maybe you should ask them?

6. Yes, I'd like to sign up for a class.
My answer: you have to talk to a department for that. Which department are you with?
Their answer: oh, I guess I'd like to take a course in X?
My answer: Are you in a program here?
Invariably: no. Can I sign up?
My answer: no.

7. If I have a degree in art therapy/massage/elementary ed/nursing, can I apply for a masters in quantum theory and rocket science?
My answer: why not? Let me transfer you.

I guess they aren't too odd. But sometimes I get some doozies: like the lady who asked me why she couldn't sign up for classes this semester (two weeks after the semester had started, and without having applied to any program...then she yelled at me because someone else told her that Phoenix online wasn't a good school. UM...I don't work there, and it isn't.)

---

I'm just grumpy. Bah.

Okay. So, since you are all brilliant please send idears, here is the plan as of today.

SLEEPOVER CAMP (if you haven't seen this movie you are lame, if you have you are lamer) LIVING ROOM:
1. The tent is going up. (An added bonus, somebody/bodies can sleep in it later on ...a portable guest room)
2. The x-mas tree, sans lights and decorations, is a going up.
3. Am draping couches with red and black flannel.
4. I don't think I need to say "lots of body parts" but I will.
5. A few tree branches here and there. Maybe some fake shrubs, flowers? (dead of course).
6. I am thinking about how to make a faux campfire/fireplace somewhere in the room...I am at a loss, but feel it would be an excellent addition to the theme.
7. Camping props: flashlights, canteens, sleeping bags, bedrolls, an axe (duh), lanterns, hiking boots, backpacks, birds (those gross ones I have...ewh), maybe the werewolf (although he is working against the scene really...but wolf...that's outside-ish).
8. What if I threaded some smaller branches through/around the light fixture in the middle of the ceiling? That might cast some cool shadows around the room.

Any other strange/wonderful things ya'll can suggest?

The themes for the other rooms are as follows:
Dining room: either a continuation of the camp/slaughter theme or...Miss Havisham's wedding.
Kitchen: Dr. Frankenstein's Laboratory (I think I need to make a Frankenstein's monster for this!)
Office: Make out room/Sin den
Bathroom: draped in plastic sheeting, blood everywhere

Always open for suggestions on those rooms too.

Now which did Koch write? Betcha can't guess.


1.“Bananas, piers, limericks / I am postures / Over there, I, are / The lakes of delectation / Sea, sea you!”

2."Watch fobs, lamplight, rondells/We are pointsettias/Right there, you, are/ The reservoir of trickery/Ripple, ripple I!"


3."Named cattle, the march is saved/From last Juno ontology. Can the basin reciprocate/African harmony's sleepy films? Negative/Poseidon! O chows. They choose to eat sleepy plates/Of grand opera..."

4." Bong! Went the faery blotters; Ding Dong! the/Country of Easter! shore! each toes . . .

5."Failed diggery, we spoon the harsh gossip of blue china/Neckbones crushed against the freckled/Complaint of lock dyed caterwauling..."

YEAH!!!

Right now I just wanna roll over and hide.

All I can think about is (not dianetics):

Archaic Torso of Apollo --RILKE

We cannot know his legendary head
with eyes like ripening fruit. And yet his torso
is still suffused with brilliance from inside,
like a lamp, in which his gaze, now turned to low,

gleams in all its power. Otherwise
the curved breast could not dazzle you so, nor could
a smile run through the placid hips and thighs
to that dark center where procreation flared.

Otherwise this stone would seem defaced
beneath the translucent cascade of the shoulders
and would not glisten like a wild beast's fur:

would not, from all the borders of itself,
burst like a star: for here there is no place
that does not see you. You must change your life.



and a snippet of a misquote from my brain, and I don't remember who wrote it...Lucifer by Carol Muske maybe? Might be from that then?

It's two am and we're on Lucifer, one of us a believer
arguing drinking, and I say if that once most
beloved angel of god fell, then he kept falling
into insight. Down and down she falls into her empty glass
while the night sky lights up with all he refuses to let go.



OH HELL, I must change my life.

#4. Bad temper.
#8. Unfocused rage.
#12. Has a tendency to hit or throw things.

I am a very, very horrible girl, who does very, very horrible things. But...maybe people do just have to throw down once in a while. The good news is, all is quiet on the home front, all is lovey albiet the slightly guilty feeling eminating through the air. I am indeed a lucky girl, for many reasons.
Reason One: We got it all out.
Reason Two: There are no real witnesses, save for one small dog.
Reason 3: There's no permanent damage (mental, emotional or physical)
Reason Four: We forgive nicely, and will eat ice cream together.

Still guilty feeling, but at least we got it out of our systems? Who knows...everybody fights sometimes.

Awww. They missed me. I feel special, no really I do. And I am kinda sad about not going, because I like a good story. So here's Roy's report on the 18th consecutive year of the Luzerne Canoe Trip, as filtered through Mandie.

Day one, Jon Jon and his friend (who is like jon jon without the charm...wrap your heads around that one ladies--A, Roy sz you met him...Dan, the guy that was with jon jon on your trip to Romeo), built a Tiki bar from things they found in the yard. The big surprise of the weekend was that the tiki bar stayed up, that it didn't get tossed directly in the fire, and that no one set it on fire at all. This is probebly because Scott's brother, the pyro, was at home with his wife and new baby. Roy got toasted, and was mixing his alcohol, and he only ate McDonald's all day, so...hungry, dehydrated, sleeping in a hot tent, and drunk off his ass...roy puked in the yard. (Roy never throws up, so this too is a surprise). At least he didn't throw up in the tent. Poor bee bee. Plus his glasses broke...sux.

Day two, Roy feels like crap and decides not to drink, good call Roy. The canoe trip was scheduled for 3 hours, so factoring in binger breaks, futzing around and general mayhem, they made good time at just under 7 hours. A sober Roy gets to watch the insanity unfold. Hot girls flirt with him, scott hits on his own cousin (not blood related), and three of them decide that launching a canoe down a 45 degree embankment is a great idea. They ask ROy to play too, but he uses me as his excuse..."Nah, sorry guys, Mandie made me promise not to do anything this obviously stupid and dangerous." Good boy, we ain't got insurance, and I don't mind coming off as the nagging wife in instances like that. They say, arright, suit yerself, fill the canoe halfway up with water (you know, for safety purposes and speed) and launch...surprisingly it worked, go figure. Eh, there's a first time for everything. Later that night...jon jon's friend Dan almost got the shit kicked out of him by a whiskey drunk, scary, uncle Rog. The cops came. Hijinx ensued. Rog slapped jon jon in the head after they got in a fight over who was more drunkerer. And Roy was granted "HOnorary Steinbrink" Status. Way to go Roy, now you too can be loud, throw things in the fire, and start fights for no reason. I'm so proud. Incidentally, this makes me a Steinbrink-in-law, so I am lucky too.

Day Three: Roy chased a rooster and fed it some beer, then he got in the car, visited the outlet bookstore, and came home to a waiting Mandie.

The End of the LUzerne Saga (in which many drunk men try to score at MaDeeters but there are no takers)...oh what a riveting tale it was.

In other news...Sammi, escape artiste extraordinare, somehow escaped from both the yard and the house this time (can't even think of how to explain that one!), and was found crossing the street, and covered in poo by big and little bob, neither of which recognized her immediately. "Hey, somebody's dog...wait, that's our dog!"
Past exploits of Sammi, the labrador Houdini, include "The great bank heist," "The raid on The Children's Place," "Sammi visits the Firestation across Town," and "Sammi wants Ice Cream so she goes to Dairy Queen herself." This latest exploit shall be called: "Sammi's Great Shit Escape!"

Lil'bob is feuding with the neighbor "Motherfuckin'Roy," MFRoy for short, who is not to be confused with "our Roy," because he said "Oh, I see you finally caught her, she's been running around the neighborhood for hours now." Bob's response "Oh, well next time I see your fat curler-headed wife out on the loose, I won't bother putting her back in your yard." God, I love my sister! Such skill, really. Damn.

Going to bed, adieu.

I weren't skert at all, although the fridge door, which I shut, opened itself wide when I turned my back....ooooeeeeaaaahhhooo. Or...I could have left it open, it was like 3 in the morning, but that doesn't make for a very interesting story.

My plans for today: farmer market, library (I have some chronic overdue books, esp since there is no A.R. to make me return them), play with dog, clean kitchen, dining rooom and living room, do laundry, iron some stuff, play with Rabbit, watch anime (P.S. I watched "Grave of the Fireflies" last night...that it some sad shit, only see it if you want to bawl.), work on BGN, work on website, finish Lil'bob's birthday present (her birthday was this past wednesday).

What I will accomplish of these plans: farmer market (i'm jus about to leave), library (maybe), play with dog, do some dishes, play with rabbit, watch anime, work on bob's present, and maybe BGN (I have to save it for the end of the day, or I get stuck and write for like 6 hours, then it would be all I did all day).

Actually I guess I do have a job, though it is more like play...and the basement (where my favorite place, the soda machine, is) is really creepy, and I LOVE CREEPY!

Organized updates:
1. I made a present for rabbit, it is hilarious.
2. I am making a present for Miss A, it isn't hilarous, but it is cleva.
3. My baby sis is 27 today, I told her that wasn't old and she fake cried and said I was really old so what did I know? Then she asked where her present was, I told her it was at the store.
4. Roy is really dirty and perverted, so I am sad that he is leaving tommorrow...Me and Short Round (b-nut) all alone, no one to play with but the ghost cat.
5. HARRY POTTER TOMMORROW! I am totally buying it on Saturday, but from Sam's club because it's like 15 bucks.
6. The pee stick is still negative ya'll but the trying is fun.
7. Don't call me on my cell phone it will be in a canoe, with drunks, and drunk roy.
8. I am really hungry lately...I want to eat everything! Plus it's hot so I am a fat sweaty girl, lucky me.
9. Queen Chomplepopalous (aka Norma Chompsky) is being obstinate, I think I cut my tongue.
10. I think that this year everyone must bring a dismembered doll (or a gross old doll) to the halloween party.
11. I need a timer for my fog machine.
12. I can wear roy's underpants, so I guess I'm not as fat as I have been. It was not for sexy reasons, it was for walking the dog reasons. (Yeah, I walked the dog wearing only a t shirt and roy's boxer briefs...whateva, stop judging and stuff.)
13. My dog is fighting himself in the other room, and he is being noisy. He needs another doggum to play with. Ewh, he licked a wet spot on the bed again...icky.
14. I have lots of projects this weekend and I am very excited about them.
15. I am running out of things to list.
16. I didn't work out this week, I sux.
17. I need glasses.
18. My wrist is getting better.
19. My allergies are getting worse.
20. The title of the post is a song by wally pleasant...he is very cool despite being from MI. Ck him out at http://www.wallypleasant.com/music.cfm

Every year Roy goes with Scott, Dan, Jon-jon and a few other pals from home on their infamous canoe trip down the Au Sable (pronounced O-Sah-bow) river, I have been on this trip 3 times during our 6 year relationship, so...approximatly half the time. Here is a recap of those trips:

Year 1: I meet the guys. This year there were only 7 of us, and I was the only girl to stay in Scott's one room cabin with a two holer out back and no running water...yee ha. I had met Scott and Dan before, but the others were just insane stories until I met them. Because I was the only girl I got a bit of crap at first, until, later that night while we were sitting around the campfire and they passed me the huge quart bottle of "Early Times" thinking I'd be all "Gross, I'd rather have a wine cooler." Instead I took the bottle, unscrewed the cap and when I saw the "easy pour spout" I called them pussies, ripped the spout out with my teeth and spat it in the fire, before taking a huge swig. I was nominated an official "bad ass." Later that night two of the guys got in a fight and Dan passed out in the yard. We had, since it was the 4th of July, neglected to bring our winter gear, that turned out to be a mistake, so we slept on the floor of the shitty cabin under every piece of clothing we could find. Dan didn't die in the yard of drunken hypothermia, so...bonus points! The canoe trip was great, mostly because there were only 3 canoes. The water, however was freezing, and the boys decided to jump into it off of a rope swing on the side of the river. Payton (ask, I have stories), however couldn't swim...he isn't very bright, so I, as designated sober person and life guard, waited on shore, ready to jump in at any moment to save him...lucky me, he didn't need saving. Later that day he did need saving though, from his own stupidity. He dropped his entire wallet into the outhouse and (get this) it was too far for him to reach with his arm (he freaking stuck his arm in the outhouse!!!! WTF?!!) so finally one of the guys got two long sticks and used them as chopsticks to dig...ewh...out the wallet...ewwwh. I did NOT help! In fact I hadn't even gone in the outhouse, because at the only corner in Luzerne there is a bar (a former brothel really) called Ma Deeters, and if I couldn't pee in the yard, I took advantage of their "clean" facilities.

Year 2: Enter another girl. This year really wasn't eventful, but at least I wasn't the only girl there. I don't remember Michelle canoing with us though...maybe I was drunk?

Year 3: I didn't go.

Year 4: THE NINE LEVELS OF HELL:

Level 9 - Same one room cabin, same two hole crapper, but this time there were 60 or more people in attendance, due to memorial party being thrown for Scott's younger brother (sad stuff), and of those 60 or more people the average age was 22, this is including the aunts and uncles who attended the party.
Level 8 -The yard was full of tents and post-teenagers, all of whom were drunk off their ass (Beer bongs a plenty!) and sad. Now, Kids, as you may or may not know: A drunk sad Hick is a dangerous thing, therefore there were fights a plenty ( I had to hold a drunk jon-jon back once...he is freaking huge!)
Level 7:Two trucks got stuck in the mud (muddin') and three people had to go to the hospital.
Level 6: All night Alabama's greatest hits was on permanent loop.
Level 5: One cannot keep track of who is doing what with all of those people, so some folk got lost along the way. (Even before the canoe launch started)
Level 4: The canoe trip itself took 23 canoes and although it was supposed to be six hours it turned into 12.
Level 3: Being thrown headfirst out of a canoe by a large man pretending to be a bear. Twice.
Level 2: Watching a man being beaten with his own wooden leg.
Level 1: Keeping control of the local pyro..."Tim, You cannot throw that can of shaving cream in the fire! Keep the shit out of the fire! Don't throw lighters in the fire!"

Year 5: Mandie could not bring herself to go. Apparently they had a good time and now, thanks to that trip, we can finally answer the question: "Does a Roy poop in the woods?" Answer: Only if he has to, and only really late at night.

Year 6: Roy should go alone, I have a gay novel to write.

Peace Yall!

Ma Deeters "This is god's country, so don't drive through town like hell!"

1. If I were a fruit I would be? A navel orange, because it has a belly button, and so do I. OR ...well, that's too obvious.

2. My favorite smell is: honeysuckle

3. The most recent thing that made me want to throw up? Dirty dish smell...okay, it's hot, and we had pasta, and it got all rank.

4. If you could have any animal as a pet? A herd of Bruce to pull a tiny, tiny wagon.

5. Best way to die? Drowning, and then being eaten by sharks aftewards.

6. Worst way to die? On the toilet, thank you.

7. Most embarassing thing about you? My feet are really stinky. (Ask Rabbit)

8. Your secret identity? It's still a secret.

9. Your former incarnation? A gay stable boy who got kicked in the head by a horse before ever having "relations" with the hot guy who worked in the field, but it's cool, because that guy had the pox anyways.

10. What's your secret talent? The double jointed bizness.

11. What did you want to be when you grew up? Indiana Jones/Classical Archeologist.

12. What sport would you most like to excel at? Rugby, fucking bad asses!

13. If you could have any job, what would it be? I don't want a job.

14. If you won the lottery what's the first thing you'd buy?
A big house on a big chunk of land, near a big body of water, with room for all of my friends.

15. What's your biggest vice? Diet Coke.

A - Age you lost your virginity? - 15, I'm dirty.
B - Band listening to right now? - I'd like to be listening to The Decemberists.
C - Dream car? -1937 Merc, pale yellow, maneater grill, sombrero hubcaps...or
late 60s mopar muscle, I'm not picky...anything in mint condition and LOUD...or
I could go on forever kids.
D - Dads name? - Bob
E - Easiest person to make laugh? -Robby D
F - Food you miss most? - Block's Bagels
G - Any encounters with ghosts? - Ghost Cat!
H - Person most hated at the moment?- Financial aid...All of them!
I - Interesting unknown fact about yourself? - I have three broken toes which will never be fixed.
J - The first letter of the last person who broke your heart?-I plead the fifth.
K - Kissing with eyes opened or closed? - closed, open, who cares!
L - Last time you did LSD? - I have never done LSD.
M - Most memorable moment you can think of in a minute?-the time I got drunk off of half a wine cooler ( I was 12) and me and my cousin saran wrapped a guy from her school's car, and we both laughed so hard we nearly peed.
N - Nicknames? -Mo, Am, Manders, Mandie Pandie sweeter than candy, MandieMo, Moo moo, nugget, Handy Mandie, Moo Mae, Mandie Rae, Manda Shell, Shelly, Mae Mae, Sissy (shaddap), bitch (oh, wait), Amanders, ...I gots lots
O - What's the most valued possession? - my friends and family (awwwhhh...shucks!)
P - Poison of choice? - Tequila
Q - The last quote you heard: "I'm horny 24-7"
R - What are you allergic to? - What am I NOT allergic to?
S - Song you sang last? - The theme song from Gravitation. But only the parts I know. (I'm sad.)
T - Time you woke up? - 8:45
U - Fav. pair of underwear? - My supergirl unds.
V - Vegetable you hate most? - Lima Beans
W - What are you the most afraid of? - clowns, spiders.
X - X-rated love life? - Yes. Thanks.
Y - Year you were born? - 1975
Z - Zodiac sign? - Taurus

I love my doggums. He even smells good: good and stinky! Bruce rules, but Bruce is sad, I think. I think that Bruce, much like Roy, needs a friend. So, Roy and I are considering getting a dog for our dog. We need to let him know that it's a big reponsibility though, and that he'll be the primary caregiver for this new dog.

Joking aside, Bruce is in need of a friend. And now we aren't sure what to do. If we get a new doggums, then when we go to visit my parents there will be a freaking herd of dogs (5) in the house. The other option is to adopt Sammy, the pig in heels. She is already ours, kind of (meaning that Nonna Doo sd "When Alex goes, you're freaking taking that idiot dog. I don't even like to look at her she's so dumb." : Alex is getting to be an old girl, and Mattie is Robin's dog, so no one loves the Sammy, and we are supposed to take her. The problem with Sammy:
1. She is very intense. (Manson Lamps)
2. Although she likes Bruce, she isn't in like with him...she will miss bear fighting with Alex and Mattie.
3. She's used to a fenced in yard, and she likes to escape (I refer those of you who know to the great bank heist Sammy pulled in 2004, and the assault on the Fire Station), she's a freaking houdini. Likewise, she's an ass on a leash, she could pull my arm off in no time.
4. Supreme bed hog.
5. Kinda dumb.
The goods about Sammy:
1. Very, very cuddly.
2. A big dog (pig in heels), but not a huge dog. She weighs like 65 pounds or so.
3. Loud and protective. So, I could walk Sammy and Bruce at night.
4. Already gets along with Bruce.
5. Hilariously dumb...hijinx ensue.
Ah, the dilemma.