ON ACCEPTING THE FRENCH IDEA OF GENIUS:

Awww. They missed me. I feel special, no really I do. And I am kinda sad about not going, because I like a good story. So here's Roy's report on the 18th consecutive year of the Luzerne Canoe Trip, as filtered through Mandie.

Day one, Jon Jon and his friend (who is like jon jon without the charm...wrap your heads around that one ladies--A, Roy sz you met him...Dan, the guy that was with jon jon on your trip to Romeo), built a Tiki bar from things they found in the yard. The big surprise of the weekend was that the tiki bar stayed up, that it didn't get tossed directly in the fire, and that no one set it on fire at all. This is probebly because Scott's brother, the pyro, was at home with his wife and new baby. Roy got toasted, and was mixing his alcohol, and he only ate McDonald's all day, so...hungry, dehydrated, sleeping in a hot tent, and drunk off his ass...roy puked in the yard. (Roy never throws up, so this too is a surprise). At least he didn't throw up in the tent. Poor bee bee. Plus his glasses broke...sux.

Day two, Roy feels like crap and decides not to drink, good call Roy. The canoe trip was scheduled for 3 hours, so factoring in binger breaks, futzing around and general mayhem, they made good time at just under 7 hours. A sober Roy gets to watch the insanity unfold. Hot girls flirt with him, scott hits on his own cousin (not blood related), and three of them decide that launching a canoe down a 45 degree embankment is a great idea. They ask ROy to play too, but he uses me as his excuse..."Nah, sorry guys, Mandie made me promise not to do anything this obviously stupid and dangerous." Good boy, we ain't got insurance, and I don't mind coming off as the nagging wife in instances like that. They say, arright, suit yerself, fill the canoe halfway up with water (you know, for safety purposes and speed) and launch...surprisingly it worked, go figure. Eh, there's a first time for everything. Later that night...jon jon's friend Dan almost got the shit kicked out of him by a whiskey drunk, scary, uncle Rog. The cops came. Hijinx ensued. Rog slapped jon jon in the head after they got in a fight over who was more drunkerer. And Roy was granted "HOnorary Steinbrink" Status. Way to go Roy, now you too can be loud, throw things in the fire, and start fights for no reason. I'm so proud. Incidentally, this makes me a Steinbrink-in-law, so I am lucky too.

Day Three: Roy chased a rooster and fed it some beer, then he got in the car, visited the outlet bookstore, and came home to a waiting Mandie.

The End of the LUzerne Saga (in which many drunk men try to score at MaDeeters but there are no takers)...oh what a riveting tale it was.

In other news...Sammi, escape artiste extraordinare, somehow escaped from both the yard and the house this time (can't even think of how to explain that one!), and was found crossing the street, and covered in poo by big and little bob, neither of which recognized her immediately. "Hey, somebody's dog...wait, that's our dog!"
Past exploits of Sammi, the labrador Houdini, include "The great bank heist," "The raid on The Children's Place," "Sammi visits the Firestation across Town," and "Sammi wants Ice Cream so she goes to Dairy Queen herself." This latest exploit shall be called: "Sammi's Great Shit Escape!"

Lil'bob is feuding with the neighbor "Motherfuckin'Roy," MFRoy for short, who is not to be confused with "our Roy," because he said "Oh, I see you finally caught her, she's been running around the neighborhood for hours now." Bob's response "Oh, well next time I see your fat curler-headed wife out on the loose, I won't bother putting her back in your yard." God, I love my sister! Such skill, really. Damn.

Going to bed, adieu.

Look kids, the giant airport!

1. It is built on part of the pioneer cemetery, the park is part of it too.
2. My landlady, crazy Jane, who lived in my apartment for like 8 years had it exorcised. (I shit you not, exorcised!!!)
3. The first night I moved in the downstairs neighbors (the world's grossest 20 year old boys) said that they would never take our apartment because it was haunted and people saw things there all the time. (They also thought that milk would be okay stored on a counter...so, I could take or leave their opinions.)
4. Ghost cat?!!
5. Jane sz the ghost, emma, opens the cupboards, and everytime she comes over Jane says "Hi Emma!"
6. Sometimes things fall for no reason.
7. Once somebody pulled the covers off of me.
8. Jane sd the ghost threw a spoon at her once.
9. Jane's cootch may be haunted as well, because it jumped out at Vic once...tell em vic!
10. I got nothing else, but I like round numbers.

Okay, Not skert anymores.

Every year Roy goes with Scott, Dan, Jon-jon and a few other pals from home on their infamous canoe trip down the Au Sable (pronounced O-Sah-bow) river, I have been on this trip 3 times during our 6 year relationship, so...approximatly half the time. Here is a recap of those trips:

Year 1: I meet the guys. This year there were only 7 of us, and I was the only girl to stay in Scott's one room cabin with a two holer out back and no running water...yee ha. I had met Scott and Dan before, but the others were just insane stories until I met them. Because I was the only girl I got a bit of crap at first, until, later that night while we were sitting around the campfire and they passed me the huge quart bottle of "Early Times" thinking I'd be all "Gross, I'd rather have a wine cooler." Instead I took the bottle, unscrewed the cap and when I saw the "easy pour spout" I called them pussies, ripped the spout out with my teeth and spat it in the fire, before taking a huge swig. I was nominated an official "bad ass." Later that night two of the guys got in a fight and Dan passed out in the yard. We had, since it was the 4th of July, neglected to bring our winter gear, that turned out to be a mistake, so we slept on the floor of the shitty cabin under every piece of clothing we could find. Dan didn't die in the yard of drunken hypothermia, so...bonus points! The canoe trip was great, mostly because there were only 3 canoes. The water, however was freezing, and the boys decided to jump into it off of a rope swing on the side of the river. Payton (ask, I have stories), however couldn't swim...he isn't very bright, so I, as designated sober person and life guard, waited on shore, ready to jump in at any moment to save him...lucky me, he didn't need saving. Later that day he did need saving though, from his own stupidity. He dropped his entire wallet into the outhouse and (get this) it was too far for him to reach with his arm (he freaking stuck his arm in the outhouse!!!! WTF?!!) so finally one of the guys got two long sticks and used them as chopsticks to dig...ewh...out the wallet...ewwwh. I did NOT help! In fact I hadn't even gone in the outhouse, because at the only corner in Luzerne there is a bar (a former brothel really) called Ma Deeters, and if I couldn't pee in the yard, I took advantage of their "clean" facilities.

Year 2: Enter another girl. This year really wasn't eventful, but at least I wasn't the only girl there. I don't remember Michelle canoing with us though...maybe I was drunk?

Year 3: I didn't go.

Year 4: THE NINE LEVELS OF HELL:

Level 9 - Same one room cabin, same two hole crapper, but this time there were 60 or more people in attendance, due to memorial party being thrown for Scott's younger brother (sad stuff), and of those 60 or more people the average age was 22, this is including the aunts and uncles who attended the party.
Level 8 -The yard was full of tents and post-teenagers, all of whom were drunk off their ass (Beer bongs a plenty!) and sad. Now, Kids, as you may or may not know: A drunk sad Hick is a dangerous thing, therefore there were fights a plenty ( I had to hold a drunk jon-jon back once...he is freaking huge!)
Level 7:Two trucks got stuck in the mud (muddin') and three people had to go to the hospital.
Level 6: All night Alabama's greatest hits was on permanent loop.
Level 5: One cannot keep track of who is doing what with all of those people, so some folk got lost along the way. (Even before the canoe launch started)
Level 4: The canoe trip itself took 23 canoes and although it was supposed to be six hours it turned into 12.
Level 3: Being thrown headfirst out of a canoe by a large man pretending to be a bear. Twice.
Level 2: Watching a man being beaten with his own wooden leg.
Level 1: Keeping control of the local pyro..."Tim, You cannot throw that can of shaving cream in the fire! Keep the shit out of the fire! Don't throw lighters in the fire!"

Year 5: Mandie could not bring herself to go. Apparently they had a good time and now, thanks to that trip, we can finally answer the question: "Does a Roy poop in the woods?" Answer: Only if he has to, and only really late at night.

Year 6: Roy should go alone, I have a gay novel to write.

Peace Yall!

Ma Deeters "This is god's country, so don't drive through town like hell!"

You Know You're From Michigan When...

You define summer as three months of bad sledding. You think Alkaline batteries were named for a Tiger outfielder. You can identify an Ohio accent. Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six pack and a bucket of smelt. Owning a Japanese car is a hanging offense in your hometown. You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre. The Big Mac is something that you drive across. You believe that "down south" means Toledo. You bake with soda and drink pop. You drive 75 on the highway and you pass on the right. Your Little League baseball game was snowed out. You learned how to drive a boat before you learned how to ride a bike. You know how to pronounce "Mackinac". The word "thumb" has a geographical rather than an anatomical significance. You have experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week. You expect Vernor's when you order ginger ale. You know that Kalamazoo not only exists, but that it isn't far from Hell. Your favorite holidays are Christmas, Thanksgiving, the opening of deer season and Devil's Night. Your snowmobile, lawn mower and fishing boat all have big block Chevy engines. At least one person in your family disowns you for the week of the Michigan/Michigan State football game. You know what a millage is. Traveling coast to coast means driving from Port Huron to Muskegon. Half the change in your pocket is Canadian, eh. You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on your left hand. You know what a "Yooper" is. Your car rusts out before you need the brakes done Half the people you know say they are from Detroit... yet you don't personally know anyone who actually lives in Detroit "Up North" means north of Clare. You know what a pastie is. You occasionally cheer "Go Lions- and take the Tigers with you." Snow tires come standard on all your cars. At least 25% of your relatives work for the auto industry. You don't understand what the big deal about Chicago is. Octopus and hockey go together as naturally as hot dogs and baseball. You know more about chill factors and lake effect than you'd EVER like to know! Your snowblower has more miles on it than your car. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout. When giving directions, you refer to "A Michigan Left." You know when it has rained because of the smell of worms. You never watch the Weather Channel - you can just assume they're wrong. The snowmen you make in your front yard actually freeze. Solid. The snow freezes so hard that you can actually walk across it and not break it or leave any marks. All your shoes are called "tennis shoes", even though no one here plays tennis anyway. Your major school field trip includes camping and cross-country skiing. Half your friends have a perfect sledding hill right in their own backyard. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Michigan.