ON ACCEPTING THE FRENCH IDEA OF GENIUS:

I been gone. Now I am here, in sunny overcast and muggy (and suspicously pinesol scented) Aiken. Where have I been, you may ask? Well, I was in the magically cold land of Ohio...running up and down flights of magically annoying stairs with boxes of nostalgia. Translation: I were helpsin my momma with a garage sale while poppy was out of town. The garage sale was a rousing semi-success of sorts. Since the goal was to get rid of crap, we did just that. No one really made too much money, but people bought. People were happy and pleased (except for Grandma, who was "don't sell that!" and "I'll buy that" and "Don't just give things away"...she was unpleasant and old, but I did threaten to hit her cat with a rock...so, I'm unpleasant too); a few bucks were made, and the people at Volunteers of America had a lot of donations when it started to rain. Stupid rain. I had fun. I like big projects, and I like to visit my family. I miss them. Why I gotta be so far away?

Here are some highlights:

1. Held a brand new baby with brand new baby smell.
2. Got to visit my aunt and cousins in So. Ohio for a minute.
3. Nice long drives through mountains allow me to smile and think...and SING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS (p.s. thanks to vicki for spoiling me with tapes)
4. I only fell down the steps once (and possibly broke some little bone in my foot which still hurts), my brother only text messaged my sister to tell her that I fell, and only two people (bob and boyfriend) laughed uproariously when they found out.  Dicks!
5. I got punched in the boob by a toddler.
6. I got shoved off the bed by a toddler.
7. I scared the crap out of a toddler and laughed about it. (so did his momma)
8. I got new tires, despite not wanting new tires (thank yous to daddy)
9. I ate a lot of bad food (my family does not, it seems, share my craving for vegitables)
10. I got to see the Ohio State Fair from a distance on the day before it opened, and I whined...I WANT TO SEE THE BUTTER COW!
11. I read the second and third Twilight book, WHICH I STILL HATE because that is the most boring fucking vampire I have ever read about in my entire life of reading about vampires (which is significant given my reading tendencies). I hate Bella and think that she will be the cause of a lot of distorted views towards gender and sexuality among adolescents (goddamn is she boring)...but...but...(shhhhhh) but...I fucking love Jacob! Goddamn I love a werewolf no matter how bad the book, it seems! I don't even want to read the last one, because I KNOW what happens...even without spoilers I know what's going to happen. It's so obvious that the only character I like will become a pedophile...so you twilight geeks, I already know. I ALREADY KNOW.
12. I also read a really bad book called "Book of Shadows" (soooo badly written and stupid)  and a very good book called "Jesus Christ on the Road to Cana" by ...MOTHERFUCKING ANNE FUCKING RICE who can make the bible fucking hot! HOT! Anne Rice can make the Bible hot and Stephenie (ZOMG! who the fuck told her to spell her name like that says "mandie"...heh, I'm a dick...) Meyers can't even make a vampire hot. SIGNS OF THE APOCOLYPSE!!! Signs, my friends!
13. There are some things I am forgetting...forgive me.

So, I'm home now. Home to delicious tomato sandwiches, and my own pillow, and my very demanding dog who missed me so. And home to my Roy who is now screaming from the other room that I'm ignoring him...ah, home. Sticky, pinesol scented home.

(I feel like I've been asleep for a week and a half.)

Okay, first of all....MY FREAKING DRESS FITS, oh yes, it fits. And only two months ago it barely zipped, now there is no tugging, no pulling, nothing zzzzzipp! The only alteration that needs to happen is to the chestal area (no surprise there). But tommorrow I am back on the diet, in hopes to drop maybe another 5 pounds in the next twenty days, maybe my oobies will get smaller? Probebly not, in my junior year of high school I was 108 pounds and I still wore a 34 DD (with my size 4 jeans...waaaahhh!) so, the chance that I'll fit my tots into this dress are slim to crap...someday, oh someday, breast reduction, you will be mine. In the mean time I have a nice flowered wrap to cover up the major cleavage this halter-style dress produces.

The shower went off mostly sans hitches, and turned out lovely. My aunt whose mother is british (a war bride like your gramma surfer), said that I had everything exactly right for high tea. Yeah me! Here is a rundown of my weekend.

Friday: Called off work and gathered stuff, got rental car (which turned out to be a shitty red neon...with no CD player!) and hit the road at around 4:30 p.m. Since all I had was CDs I stopped at the outlet mall across the indiana border and bought a book on tape, "Spine Chilling Stories of Horror and Suspense" which turned out to be less spine chilling and horror filled, suspenseful than they had advertised, although quite nice (Vincent Price narrated Beranice). My mom called me when I was about an hour away and said I should meet them somewhere because they wanted me to look at a jeep sport for sale so I did, and was sad because it was a very nice jeep, with very low mileage for the cheeeeeep, but alas twas only a rear-wheel drive so sux to that in the MI snow. Then I took my momma and her friend jo downtown to drop jo off at her hotel (she was in this week for the tole convention...if you do not know what tole is, please raise your hand and I will try to explain). Then momma and I hauled ass across columbus to canal winchester and our waiting famblies. Said hey, ate a snack, lil'bob went home and I went to bed, but since I can't sleep alone I read "The Giver" (thanks Rabbit). So, asleep maybe at 4ish? 5ish? am and then awoken at 8:30 am.

Saturday: 8:30 am wake up call, scramble, scramble. Pick up Heather "cookie", at her work downtown, haul it northside to the big mall, Macy's (nice skirt for Mandie at the momma's insistence), Kaufmann's (hat for mandie at momma's insistence), 8 dozen pissy little stores looking for shoes we never found, TGIFridays for a salad (momma had a long island iced tea, cookie had a beer), and then on our way back to the parking lot I passed something amazing, so amazing I think I went into shock: there, in the doorway of the Ralph Lauren store, the most beautiful boy I have ever seen (a model from the ads/catalog) standing shirtless and barefoot in jeans with the edge of his R.L boxers peeking just above the waistband. Silence. There were four of us momma, cookie, teeny and me...blah blah blah and then silence for about 30 seconds as we walked past and down the center of the mall, and then my momma said "I can't breathe." and I looked at her and said, "I know, my chest feels all tight." Heather just looked shocked, and Tena said "Holy shit! That maniquin is talking. Holy shit, that's a guy. Holy shit, he's not real, he can't be real." In fact...HOLY SHIT!!!!! I have seen many beautiful menfolk, but in all seriousness I have never, NEVER seen anything like him before. Unreal. I think if I had looked any longer I might have passed out. (I for real am not exaggerating, it was like looking at god. I almost cried.) Okay, so after divine vision: flower factory (a wholesale flower and crap store), and back to drop cookie off. Then home to drop tena off, then pick up man-maw, then to anderson's, sam's club and popeye's chicken. Then, eath, senior center, whore-ma's, back home, fix shower games, collect decorations, organize, print games, search through photos, and done, kick lil'bob and heath out...it is now 12:30 am. I am pooped. I go to sleep on the couch because manma has the guest bed, and I pass out around 2 despite the itchy uncomfortableness of the couch. At 3 ish? in the morning some doggies decide that my face is a great place to lay, and then they won't leave me alone, so I gather a pillow, and a throw and head to lil'bob's old room where I sleep on the bare floor. In the morning when my momma comes to wake me up, she can't find me anywhere and decides that I have been abducted so she runs yelling through the house only to find me on the floor yelling back "good god damn, woman, shut the hell up, who would steal me?" I have tossed and turned all night, it is 8 am.

Sunday: dress, makeup, pack the car, hit the grocery store, senior center, make scones, set up decorations/tables/buffet, make all other food (tons) and put shoes back on to greet guests (whew), have fun shower (ack), interact and be cheerful (no cussing). When the shower is over, wash dishes, tear down, pack up, dance with dad (we're practicing), and get back to the house at 6 p.m. unpack shower stuff (see shawn for the first time all weekend), pack up my stuff and take off. I am on the road by 7 pm and I don't get home until 1:30 in the morning. About 40 miles from home I get really tired, and although I said I would pull over if that happened there is no way I am stopping 40 miles from home, so...I crank the AC, crank the radio, guzzle a diet coke and motor through (singing at the top of my lungs to bad Yes songs). When I get home I'm deliriously dumb and have a caffine buzz that won't quit. So, in bed at 2 am, wide awake and panicking at 6 am, again at 8 am, up at 9 am and returning the rental car. TIRED. Tired. tired. only 40 minutes of work left. So tired.

This was a dull entry, but it will keep me from repeating the mundane bits. For shower details and skuttlebutt on the crazy folk, call me bitches.

Awww. They missed me. I feel special, no really I do. And I am kinda sad about not going, because I like a good story. So here's Roy's report on the 18th consecutive year of the Luzerne Canoe Trip, as filtered through Mandie.

Day one, Jon Jon and his friend (who is like jon jon without the charm...wrap your heads around that one ladies--A, Roy sz you met him...Dan, the guy that was with jon jon on your trip to Romeo), built a Tiki bar from things they found in the yard. The big surprise of the weekend was that the tiki bar stayed up, that it didn't get tossed directly in the fire, and that no one set it on fire at all. This is probebly because Scott's brother, the pyro, was at home with his wife and new baby. Roy got toasted, and was mixing his alcohol, and he only ate McDonald's all day, so...hungry, dehydrated, sleeping in a hot tent, and drunk off his ass...roy puked in the yard. (Roy never throws up, so this too is a surprise). At least he didn't throw up in the tent. Poor bee bee. Plus his glasses broke...sux.

Day two, Roy feels like crap and decides not to drink, good call Roy. The canoe trip was scheduled for 3 hours, so factoring in binger breaks, futzing around and general mayhem, they made good time at just under 7 hours. A sober Roy gets to watch the insanity unfold. Hot girls flirt with him, scott hits on his own cousin (not blood related), and three of them decide that launching a canoe down a 45 degree embankment is a great idea. They ask ROy to play too, but he uses me as his excuse..."Nah, sorry guys, Mandie made me promise not to do anything this obviously stupid and dangerous." Good boy, we ain't got insurance, and I don't mind coming off as the nagging wife in instances like that. They say, arright, suit yerself, fill the canoe halfway up with water (you know, for safety purposes and speed) and launch...surprisingly it worked, go figure. Eh, there's a first time for everything. Later that night...jon jon's friend Dan almost got the shit kicked out of him by a whiskey drunk, scary, uncle Rog. The cops came. Hijinx ensued. Rog slapped jon jon in the head after they got in a fight over who was more drunkerer. And Roy was granted "HOnorary Steinbrink" Status. Way to go Roy, now you too can be loud, throw things in the fire, and start fights for no reason. I'm so proud. Incidentally, this makes me a Steinbrink-in-law, so I am lucky too.

Day Three: Roy chased a rooster and fed it some beer, then he got in the car, visited the outlet bookstore, and came home to a waiting Mandie.

The End of the LUzerne Saga (in which many drunk men try to score at MaDeeters but there are no takers)...oh what a riveting tale it was.

In other news...Sammi, escape artiste extraordinare, somehow escaped from both the yard and the house this time (can't even think of how to explain that one!), and was found crossing the street, and covered in poo by big and little bob, neither of which recognized her immediately. "Hey, somebody's dog...wait, that's our dog!"
Past exploits of Sammi, the labrador Houdini, include "The great bank heist," "The raid on The Children's Place," "Sammi visits the Firestation across Town," and "Sammi wants Ice Cream so she goes to Dairy Queen herself." This latest exploit shall be called: "Sammi's Great Shit Escape!"

Lil'bob is feuding with the neighbor "Motherfuckin'Roy," MFRoy for short, who is not to be confused with "our Roy," because he said "Oh, I see you finally caught her, she's been running around the neighborhood for hours now." Bob's response "Oh, well next time I see your fat curler-headed wife out on the loose, I won't bother putting her back in your yard." God, I love my sister! Such skill, really. Damn.

Going to bed, adieu.

I miss my miss A sunshine butt (how do you like that nickname?), I miss Dave the critter, I miss Vicki Fufenyefka, I even miss Kyle...do you hear that Kyle you freaking lurker? Voyeur! (I was just fondly reminiscing the time that you knocked me to the floor and dry humped me in front of the Rammer's student...and that time that you puked until you popped blood vessels in your eyes...ah, sweet memories! Alas, those fragrant days of youth too soon pass. PS I traded your sweater to someone for one of the Schwerers...so, you're not getting that back...although it has been like five years.) Respond to that poo dinger.

I miss my sweet princess E, and the Hi-may (who I get to see tonight!).

I miss my lame sister and her lame panic attacks about every little thing.

I miss my headphones (they broke).

I miss my wallet (still can't find it, it's gotta be somewheres...I need it to get into the gym and the bar tonight, or I won't get to see Jaime...sux, wallet, dammit!)

A, come over and help me find my wallet? WAAAAaaaah. Too far away! POOOOooooooP!

3.2% beer (usually just called 3,2) was very popular for a short period of time prior to my being old enough to drink it. 3,2 beer was legal for consumption by minors over the age of 16. It's low alcohol content made it extremely impossible to get drunk. Not that folk didn't try. And spend a lot of time peeing during parties.

The only pro footbal teams in Ohio do wear orange: the Cleveland Browns and the Cincinnati Bengals. Neither team is especially impressive. Neither name makes much sense. Nevertheless, it is a point of division among Ohioans...which team to root for. Please note that regardless of professional football inclinations, everyone roots for OSU. (see below)

The real dividing line in Ohio is whether one prefers Kings Island or Cedar Point as their favorite amusement park/vacationer's paradise. Here is the difference: Kings Island...BEAST! a 1/3 scale Eiffel Tower, lots of scooby doo propeganda, and beer, but too many of those oversized fluffies walking around. Cedar Point...MAGNUM! more (better? that's debatable) roller coasters, nice view of the lake, but not much else, really, really dirty!
I'm a Kings Island fan, especially on frightnights in October. There is nothing better than Son of Beast at 1 am, with no track lights. The original Beast hurts so good.

Buckeye candy rules and is made of peanut butter, buckeye nuts, the real thing, are highly toxic so don't eat them!

I hope you know what the serpent mound is...ck out any 8th grade geography book. Big mound, looks like a serpent; you get it.

A northern Ohio accent is extremely different from a southern Ohio accent...Roy has a northern Ohio accent (with some Michigander thrown in), I have a southern Ohio accent (with some tri-state...that means Ohio, WV, Kentucky thrown in). We do not have the same accent. Especially when I have been drinking, or if I am angry.

Mudhens are Toledo, Clippers are Columbus, and the only reason to go is if it's dime a dog night at the ballpark. They are both AAA teams.

Everybody roots for OSU, regardless of if they've ever even graduated high school. To my MI pals, do not flaunt any home state pride on OSU/Michigan weekend if you happen to be in Ohio at the time. I just lay low. In fact my moving to Michigan at all puts me on the outs with some of my family...a traitor to the state..."I bleed scarlet and grey!" Ack dieu! They didn't even go there.

I will say I don't get the bit about the Michael Stanley band...I might have changed it to RC MOB or David Allen Coe. (RC MOB did "Roller coaster of love". David Allen Coe did the "best country and western song ever written.")

I am amazed that nothing was said about our state song...Hang on Sloopy! Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me either. Oh well, heart of rock and roll and all.

Or should I say "Ohio, the heart of it all?"

You Know You're From Ohio When...

You don't think of Florida first when someone mentions Miami. You snicker when someone's from Tiffin, because you think of the State Hospital. You think Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange! You've heard of 3.2% beer. Schools close for the state basketball tournament. You're proud of your state fair, but would rather go to Cedar Point. You live less than 30 miles from some college or university. You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candy ones. "Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means "south." You've heard of the Great Nickel Beer Night Riot. You know if other Ohioians are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths. You root for a college team though you've never taken a class there. You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, and Tuscarawas You always visit more than two amusement parks in one summer. You know that Serpent Mounds were not made by snakes. You know what game they're playing when the Mud Hens take on the Clippers. Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point or King's Island. Down south to you means Kentucky. You thought that the Michael Stanley Band was the most popular band in the country. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Ohio.